AshezOne

I’m not good at making great friends with girls. Really. Ask my sister – I can’t even be a good friend for her, let alone a good big sister. I just can’t get along with the way their (girls’) brains work. That’s why I always feel insecure when it comes to being close friends with girls, cause most of them will end up not liking me, or worse, hating me.

So I end up hanging around with 3 guys for the last 2 years because I feel a lot more comfortable with males. They (these guys) don’t nag me about unnecessary-too-many-too-deep ‘feelings’ problems they have with their girlfriends – having problems is cool, telling them to your friends and ask advices from them is cool cause it’ll make your friends feel trusted which is good for the friendship, but telling too many problems with too many exaggerated complications you created yourself is NOT cool. Most girls do the latter. They (the guys) don’t care too much about what clothes to wear and make ups to put on, which is a field I can’t seem to understand. They don’t hover. They don’t seem to think my ‘tomboyness’ disturbing. Generally, they’re good. And I like making friends with them.

But once, back then, I had a girl friend (not a girl friend as in girlfriend, but girl friend as in a female friend) who probably is the best girl friend I’ve ever had. From the outside, we are different, totally. I mean if you look at me you can directly tell I’m a mess. Messed-up hair, zero knowledge of what to wear (other than t-shirts and jeans, of course), I make weird faces sometimes. She was – and still is, I suppose – the opposite of a mess. She leads a good life, behaves nicely, she is able to make good acquaintances with everyone (no matter what the sex is), she studies – she’s in order. However, we sort of had the same taste of music, the same taste of guys, the same idea of what ‘gorgeous’ is supposed to mean, we even shared some common dreams. I think this was the very reason I could get along with her.

I don’t know if she knows, but she taught me a hell lot of things. Maybe it sounds exaggerating, but she’s changed me without telling me to – which is the best way to teach me. I learned to behave, to care, to see that I didn’t live in my own world – that there were others I needed to share the world with, and most importantly, to express my feelings (by feelings I mean the good ones, cause I knew perfectly how to express the bad ones already they’ll give me a perfect score). I was always trying and hiding my feelings for other people. I wouldn’t tell anyone they were good even though they were really good. I couldn’t admit I was concerned about anyone. I’d always been like that. But she wasn’t the kind of people who did such things. She said it was good when it was good. This is, I think, one of the most important lesson I’ve learned.

I can’t say I’m great at expressing things now, but as bad as I am, I’m well-improved. I am better at expressing things than I was before. I’m a slow learner, though. And I’m still learning. Sometimes it needs a very hard effort to open the lock, but I try to do my best. Now I can tell people they’re good, I admit it whenever I cry (something I considered a thing done by weak people when I was younger), I show how I feel about people (it IS very hard to put it in words, but if you’re smart enough you’ll know whether or not I care about someone by the way I treat and look at them). I can proudly say I have more feelings.

I’ve never seen her since graduation. She moved to another city to study without telling me, and I was a little disappointed because of that. But we’re still friends till now, we occasionally text each other and talk about deep things.
She’s one of a few people who won’t laugh at me once I start talking seriously.
I cherish the friendship, really.

Ever heard the phrase ‘Friends are like stars, you don’t always see them but you know they’re always there’? Well, I hope that’s what she thinks I am.

You know who you are. I miss you, hon.